Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay? (Part 2)

Once upon a time, weddings were simple.  The bride announced her engagement, she picked a dress, she selected her bridesmaids, and mother took care of the rest.  The wedding was three acts:  the ceremony, the food, and the dancing.  It was a lovely ritual, which allowed just enough time for the newlyweds to commemorate their new life together and celebrate with family and friends before returning to normal life as husband and wife.


That was then.

Now, weddings are a full-blown extravaganza.  Part coronation, part honor-yourself beauty pageant, part game show, part Broadway musical.  18 months of planning time is a crunch.  There are no longer 5 decisions to make, there are 135.  Where it was once considered creative to leave the word “obey” out of the wedding vows for the bride, now if you don’t have handpainted burlap dinosaurs holding name cards made out of recycled issues of Rolling Stone, you’re considered wholly unimaginative.

 

So it’s time for another snarky installment of Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay!  You can read Part 1 here.

 

The 30 Minute Slideshow

I love a cute slideshow at a wedding.  It’s nice to see a few pictures of the bride and groom when they were kids, and then as they grew up, and got together.  I love the romantic notion of two completely separate people living their own lives and going through everything they needed to go through to eventually become perfect for each other.  It’s really sweet!  (It’s also extra good when it’s just a running loop through dinner, so you can tune in and out whenever you want....but I digress.)

 

 

Hey Jeff and Allison, I’m pretty sure that if someone is a guest at your wedding, they’re already pretty familiar with who you are.

 

What I don’t like, is when it becomes a ridiculously long tribute to the couple, the speeches are stopped, and you are forced to sit in silence, offer obligatory laughter when the picture comes up of the bride as a baby sitting in her high chair covered in spaghetti, and endure photo after photo after photo while losing your buzz because the bar is closed and the only thing that keeps you mildly entertained is trying to guess whether you are important enough to the couple to have made it into their slideshow.  I once attended a wedding where there was a slideshow that featured a bunch of pictures of the bride, and then a bunch of pictures of the groom, and at this point I’m entirely bored and thinking “rock on, we’re in the home stretch, we just need to get through the couple pictures, clap and smile, and I can go grab another double Caesar” and then ANOTHER set of photos of the bride came up.  And the photos were on screen for way too long.  Anything longer than 2-Mississippi and I lose interest.  Come on!  Don’t put your guests through that!

So when the topic of a slideshow came up, Eric and I knew that we didn’t really want a big production number filled with only photos of ourselves.  But then Eric had a great idea that I LOVED:  instead of photos of ourselves, why don’t we have a slideshow running in the background with photos of our guests?  We really do want our wedding day to be about honoring the important people in our lives that have shaped us into who we are and this is a way of doing that instead of making the whole night feel like A Tribute to the Awesome Lives of Eric and Mickaela.  We’re just getting married, not curing cancer.

Verdict:  You had better start taking down any Facebook pics of yourselves that you don’t want shown at my wedding... ;)

 

Getting Cake Smashed In Your Face

Probably one of the first things I told Eric when we were talking about the reception is that I do not appreciate this tradition at all.  The bride spends literally HOURS getting ready.  She has spent so much time selecting the perfect dress, with the perfect accessories, getting the perfect coif, selecting makeup colors and getting her look just right, and then BAM!  All of a sudden she has red velvet and cream cheese rammed up her nose and she has to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes to pick the crumbs out of her eyelashes and try to get the stains out of her dress.  I don’t know where the hell this tradition started but it’s ridiculous.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Cute?  Playful?  Because all I see it as is disrespectful, humiliating, and a waste of money on a perfectly good makeup job.  Need more proof?  How do these photos make you feel:

 

 

Really?

 

 

 

She looks like she has a bloody nose.

 

 

 

Yeah he really looks like he loves that.

 

 

 

Nothing says wedded bliss like an unprovoked act of aggression!

 

 

 

Thank GOD she didn't get any on his Miller Lite hat!  Phewf.

 

Verdict:  NEVER. 

 

Clinking of the Glasses

 

I almost don’t want to get myself started on this one. 

This tradition drives me bonkers at weddings and I’m not even the one that has to kiss.  And you always know it’s coming.  The music plays, the wedding party comes in, the bride and groom are announced, and then right as everyone is sitting down there is some sniggering idiot who resembles Peter Griffin that picks up his knife and taps on his water glass while guffawing with a big toothy smile, juuuuust as the bride and groom are sitting down.  So they oblige to the rudeness, stand up to kiss, and sit back down.  Every time the bride stands up and sits down it’s a production number because her dress is huge and the chair legs are on it and she doesn’t want it to get ripped or spill anything on it.  And every 38 seconds like clockwork it happens again.  And again.  And again.  They can barely shovel some food in their mouth and swallow it before they’re forced to tongue each other down again while everyone claps in amusement.  And because all wedding couples know that there is ZERO chance that there won’t be glass clinking at the reception, they always come up with some other cute little idea designed to deter guests from continuously rudely interrupting their meal to make them kiss like trained circus monkeys.  You have to sing a song with the word “love” in it, you have to donate to charity, you have to putt a hole in one.  I like all these ideas, but I think they detract from what the main alternative should be which is simply, don’t be an asshole guest and clink your glass. 

 

Hahahahahahaha yayyyyyyyyyyy they’re kissing agaaaaaain!  Clink clink clink!

 

So while Eric and I haven’t really decided our alternative yet, because we need one, because we know that again, there is ZERO chance there won’t be glass clinking, my thoughts on this are that the activity a guest should have to do should be as embarrassing as possible, and as complicated as possible.  Something like:  In order to make the bride and groom kiss, you must first ascend to the podium and mimic the mating sounds of a male silverback gorilla.  If your imitation is determined satisfactory by a panel of judges, you will proceed to a dart board where you have one chance to hit the bullseye.  If you do, you will be given an envelope that contains a number from 1 to 10 which corresponds with a numbered rope suspended from the ceiling of the Millennium Centre.  You will climb the rope using only the strength of your arms, and retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces from the top.  You will have one minute to complete the puzzle, and the completed puzzle displays a phrase in Arabic which you must translate to English.  Kneel before the bride and groom and present to them this passphrase, and if you are correct, they will kiss.  If you are incorrect or fail at any point in the challenge, you are banished from the wedding and have to take the next cab home.

Verdict:  Groan. 

 

Something Old, New, Borrowed and Blue

When I think of something old, new, borrowed and blue I usually associate it with a bunch of crap the bride has to carry around with her on her wedding day.  Usually brides get around this by loosely tying things in like “My dress is new!” and “I have blue eyes!” and not worrying too much about it.  So while thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this I googled the origins of this tradition and I was actually pleasantly surprised at the story of why brides carry the four “somethings” with them on their wedding day.  Something old symbolizes the bride’s past and the continuity with her family, something new symbolizes optimism and hope for the bride’s future, something borrowed is supposed to come from a happily married friend or family member and symbolize good fortune carried over to the bride’s marriage, and something blue symbolizes love, fidelity and honor.  This is actually really sweet and definitely a tradition I want to take part in.  For me, I want each of these items to be special and meaningful and I want to honor all the important women in my life.  And I actually already have my something blue!  I saved the blue ribbon off my bridesmaid bouquet when I was MOH for Tara (whose wedding you can read about here) and I’m going to wrap it around my bridal bouquet on my wedding day.  :)

Verdict:  Not all traditions make me want to barf.

 

And now, in the interest of time because I am a very busy bride, I have enlisted a special friend of mine to help me go through some other traditions that I have been questioned about when it comes to the big day.  May I present....

 

Grumpy Cat.

 

So you’re a dance teacher, are you going to have choreographed dances at the wedding?

How about a sand ceremony, those are really sweet!

 

 

 

Unity candle?

 

 

 

 

Rice throwing?

 

 

 

 

Bubble blowing?

 

 

 

 

Is there going to be a four hour break in between your ceremony and reception?

 

 

 

 

How about two hours of speeches?

 

 

 

 

Wow, you’re really grumpy.  I don't want to go to the wedding.

 

 

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

~M

 

 

 

Playing It Fast and Loose with the Word “Wonderful”

I attended the Wonderful Wedding Show at the Convention Centre this past weekend, and boy was it an experience.  Since I didn’t take many pictures at the show, this week’s blog post will be filled with Google image recreations of my weekend.  Read on!

 

So I bought the tickets for Saturday and Sunday ahead of time, and on the wedding show website they give you the opportunity to pre-register as a VIB.  This stands for “Very Important Bride”.  Eye roll.  Among the many non-existent perks of being a VIB is early access to the show at 10 am, after which they let in all the sad, unimportant brides at 11 am.  I’m thinking, okay.  That can’t be too bad.  At least they will only let in a select number of people from 10 to 11 and we might be able to zip through the show ahead of everyone and make it out relatively unscathed!  So on Saturday, Eric and I went for about 9:50 am and were greeted with a line that looked something like this:

 

Mother of God.

 

We heard while standing in the Gargantuan Line-Up of Doom that there were over 1,400 “VIBs” registered.  So what’s the point then?  Just say the show starts at 10 and save me from having to give my name and address to yet another website that is only going to spam me to death.  But oh yes, VIBs also get a “complimentary EXCLUSIVE gift bag stuffed full of samples and special offers”!  Which equated to exactly 23 flyers, a small packet of hand cream and an emery board.  Legit.

 

As Eric and I entered the show, our main focus was trying to get information on photographers, as that is the next big step in our plans, but we were quickly engulfed by flyers, draws, and pushy salespeople trying to get us to switch our cable service provider (WHY is MTS Connect at the wedding show.  Why.)  As Eric succinctly put it, he felt like “Frodo walking into Mordor”.  And he wasn’t far off.  Once we got into the belly of the beast, it looked a little something like this:

 

 

I think there are some booths in there somewhere.

 

Despite Eric’s claims of handing in his manhood card, we actually had a good time at the wedding show.  We may have lingered a little too long at the wine tasting booth (twice), but we talked to a few photographers, looked at some invitations, and talked about some little details for the wedding.  Overall, mission accomplished.  One observation that wasn’t lost on either of us though, was how many once-overs Eric got.  Seriously, he was checked out more than a library book.  Now, Eric is a handsome man, we all know this.  But as he made his way through the gauntlets of women at the wedding show, he quickly turned from this:

 

 

Effortless, casual attractiveness

 

To this:

 

 

Note:  Do not Google image “big piece of meat”.  Especially when you are at work. 

 

And if you think that lustfully staring at a man who is clearly the fiancé of the woman he is standing next to wearing the giant pink “BRIDE” lanyard is below the morals of the Lonely Bridesmaid Watching Her Friend Plan the Wedding of her Dreams While Contemplating How Many Viable Eggs She Has Left, well apparently you would be wrong.  But Eric just took it in stride, and we laughed about it later.  And bonus, I get to marry the hot guy who was sweet enough to go to the wedding show with his fiancé!  :)

 

As we moved through the show it seemed that more and more VIBs were catching up to us.  It was so crowded at one junction of the trade show floor (somewhere around the corner of “Happy Sweet Cuteness Photography” and “Perfect Wedded Bliss Sugar Cookies of Love”) that at one point, I had to brush past a few people to sneak through to a few spare inches of open space so I could loosen my collar and wipe my brow.  As I did that, I accidentally tapped the gigantic purse slung over the shoulder of one particularly fat, squat MOB that reminded me a lot of Professor Umbridge in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:

 

 

“I WILL. HAVE. OR-DAH!”

 

So as I tried to politely pass through the throng and in doing so tickled this sleeping dragon, Umbridge whips around, gives me a withering look and spits a vigorous “JEEEEESUS!” in my direction, as if I have just tackled her Terry Tate style.  To which Jesus promptly responded:

 

 

Holy facepalm.

 

So after having entered about 40 draws and making our way through most of the show, Eric and I called it a day.  We were there for about three hours, so Eric definitely earned some big time brownie points!

 

But the fun continues!

 

On Sunday, I went to the show with MOB and my two-so-far bridesmaids, Tara and Melissa.  At this point, I had abandoned all pretenses of being the sweet happy blushing bride that was more than willing to listen to never ending schpeals about things I will never buy.  The snarky bride in me took over and basically we zoomed through the show, I pointed out all the things that I liked, we watched the fashion show (which was pretty good) and entered all the draws again.  We also spent a little more time looking at booths that Eric and I skipped over, plus MOB wanted to scope out the cake booths and Tara kept squealing at twine and patterned paper in the invitation booths.  ;)

 

Other than no lineup, it was still the same show as Saturday.  Every time you turn a corner, you are always faced with some form of this:

 

 

Don’t.  BUMP.  Me.

 

Followed immediately by some form of this:

 

 

Shabby chic.  Minus the chic.

 

 

I DON’T.

 

 

I was getting married in barns with mismatched china before it was cool.

 

Vintage hipsterism is EVERYWHERE.  It’s huge right now.  So every second booth was pink, grey and mint green, and had mason jars, paper hearts, stripes, old wood, more mason jars, and flowered head wreaths.  I don’t really understand this trend at all, but at least that leaves more glitter and sparkles for me!

 

So while I’m pretty far from entering the club of old married ladies and passing on my sage advice to future brides, having endured two days at the wedding show I will share with you the number one thing I learned:

 

Name and address labels are a must.  Period.  I had heard this from past brides and read it on the show website, but you don’t appreciate the enormity of its importance until you are at the wedding show and you can just rip, stick and keep walking instead of stopping for a minute and a half to write down your information over and over.  Eric and I entered 40 draws the first day, so this saved us a whole hour.  But more importantly, you do not want to be bent over a table at a booth writing, and end up on the news like this girl:

 

 

Awkward.

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

 

~M

 

 

 

Real Brides Interview: Tara Elias, MOH

I have quickly learned throughout the planning process that the best source of guidance is not magazines, books, planners, or websites, but advice from real brides!  No wedding advice is more valuable or relevant than first hand knowledge from someone who has already been through it.  And I have found that I have been asking a lot of the married people in my life about their experiences, so I thought I'd interview a few of the most important women in my life about their wedding and planning memories and blog about it!

My first interview subject is my esteemed MOH Tara, who was married to the love of her life, Johnny, last July.  They had a beautiful wedding on a hot summer day and I was honored to be her MOH as well!  Read on...

 

Partners in crime!

Tell me your engagement story!

Johnny and I had a trip planned to New York City for New Years Eve, but we almost didn’t get there.  Our flight was scheduled to leave out of Minneapolis, but on the way there, we hit an extreme blizzard and a 100 car pile-up.  State Troopers closed the highway and made us turnaround.  After a lot of panicked phone calls to my Mom and the airline, we realized we were going to have to either pay out-of-pocket for flights out of Winnipeg, or forego the trip altogether.  Since we had already planned the whole thing and were extremely excited, we decided it was worth the extra money, and rebooked our flights departing out of Winnipeg.  We then high tailed it out of North Dakota before they closed the other side of the highway and trapped us in!

We made it back to Winnipeg hours later and after staying with Johnny’s Mom for a couple of hours through the night, made the early trek to the airport.  We landed in New York City later that day without incident, and jumped right into the first yellow taxi we saw.  Looking back, I realize Johnny was acting a bit weird, but I didn’t notice at the time.  He was distracted, nervous and kept checking his luggage!  When we arrived at the hotel, we were too early to check in, so he suggested we go get a coffee and walk around Central Park while we waited.  We left our luggage with the hotel and did just that.  When we got there, he asked me if I wanted to go on a carriage ride.  I resisted a bit because it was super expensive for the 20 minute ride, but quickly agreed we should do it.  We were on a holiday, after all!  We rode around in that carriage, under a blanket, and all I could think of at first was “this blanket probably hasn’t been washed in a year, and I hope it doesn’t have bed bugs”!  The park was gorgeous, and just as we were coming to the end of the ride, the driver turned around and asked us if we wanted him to take a picture of us with our camera.  I handed it over to him, and showed him how to use it.  As soon as he started taking pictures, I started to pose, but Johnny was getting down on one knee!  I was completely shocked, shaking like a leaf, my face beet red and tears streaming down my face.  And the guy caught the whole thing on camera!  It was an absolutely unforgettable moment in our life.  It couldn’t have been any more perfect.

We didn’t want anyone to find out via Facebook, so the hardest part was keeping it a secret all weekend until we got home!

 

 

How cute is that....

 

 

 

 

...(gratuitous embarassing pic)...

 

 

 

 

...she said yes!

 

 

 

Did anyone help you plan your wedding?  Planner, family, etc?

We had TONS of help!  We made most of the decisions ourselves, but when it came time to execute, we had so many people that were not only willing to help, but EXCITED to help!  My entire family, Johnny’s entire family, our wedding party, Shyan and Haley... everyone came through when we needed something and it was so amazing to have that support.  Whether it was something big or small that was being asked, someone was always there for us.

 

 

Pretty ladies!

 

 

What was your favorite part of the planning process?

 

Is it wrong to say making my organizing binder, which included dividers and a color-coded table of contents, was my favourite part of the planning process?  [Editor's aside: this should surprise exactly no one. End of aside.]

What was your least favorite or most frustrating part of the planning process?

I found decision making to be difficult.  There are just so many important decisions to be made, and they’re not always easy!  I was glad once we had everything booked and in place, because then we could focus more on the fun stuff, like the little details.

What did your husband think about all the wedding plans?  How involved was he?

 

He was definitely more involved than I would have initially guessed!  He loved talking about it and giving ideas, and I’d say he was most involved in the planning of the social, the transportation, the guest list and music.  He left the invitation and favour making to me!  He didn’t care much when it came to flowers and centerpieces, either ;)

 

What was the happiest moment on your wedding day?

Without question, the happiest moment of my wedding day was when I started to walk down the aisle and saw his face and his reaction to seeing me. 

 

 

 

What a beautiful family!

 

Any funny stories you’d like to share?

I don’t know about funny, but some memorable moments were the walk back down the aisle in our sunglasses, the slideshow, Haley’s dance and the very last song of the night (Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’) when everyone stood in a circle, holding hands and danced and sang like crazy!

What do you remember most about your wedding?

So many things!  It’s so hard to pick.  Seeing Johnny as I walked down the aisle, seeing everyone in tears during the ceremony, the pastor declaring “I now pronounce you man and wife”, sweating our butts off at pictures but everyone being such a good sport, the receiving line where we got to have a little moment with each of our guests, the speeches, the dancing and visiting with the different tables.  But when I think about all those moments, the common theme was that we felt so loved.  So supported and loved.

 

What do your guests remember most about your wedding?

I’ve gotten a lot of comments about the wedding color, which we chose to represent our love for the Caribbean (we had initially considered getting married there, but after considering all factors, decided against it).  I’ve also heard a lot “I haven’t cried like that at a wedding in a long time!”.  Those are two great compliments.

 

 

The bridal party in Tiffany Blue...

 

Is there anything you would change about your wedding?

I wouldn’t change one single, solitary thing.  Not even the things that “went wrong” at the last minute.  They all contributed to making the day exactly what it was.  Perfect.

 

What advice would you give to me when planning my wedding?

My advice would be to take in every moment of that day, because it’s over so fast.  You’ve spent a year and a half planning it, so when the day comes, don’t let anything bother you and just soak it all in.  You will never have a day like this, ever again, in your life.

 

 

Absolutely <3 these two.

 

Johnny and Tara Elias

 

Wedding Date:  July 21, 2012

Ceremony:  Evangel Chapel

Reception:  Masonic Memorial Temple

Photography:  Kim Griffin

Gown and Bridesmaid Attire:  David’s Bridal

Groom and Groomsman Attire: Michael’s Formal Wear

Invitations:  DIY

Cake:  Laurel’s Cake Creations

And there you have it!  Stay tuned for more posts from all my favorite old married ladies!  A club I'm very excited to join... ;)


Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!


~M