Confession: I spend a
lot of time on wedding websites. Like a
lot. I think every bride has this fear
that you have only one shot to get your wedding right, to get it to be the
perfect day you always dreamed of. So in
the course of the planning, the bride is concerned that while she may have in
mind a seemingly perfect palette of color to complement the stunning
centerpiece she imagines that magnificently reflects her and the groom’s
personality, wit, charm, essence and flair, there is always this annoying,
niggling little voice in the back of her mind that says, “what if there is
something better out there?
Prettier? Nicer? Less expensive?” So the bride pores over pages and pages of
photos and inspiration on the internet, always looking for some magical little
diamond in the rough to pop up and give her the greatest idea in the history of
time.
No? Just me? Okay then.
An artist’s rendition of me looking at wedding websites.
It’s hard for any bride to plan a wedding without having at
least one encounter with The Knot. It’s
a gigantic wedding website with tons of inspiration, photos, articles, vendor
features, ideas, and checklists. Not
only are they a massive internet presence, but they have also branched out as a
publishing giant, putting out endless books, planners, apps, magazines and
products for the billion-dollar wedding industry. So needless to say, I have spent my fair
share of time on its hallowed pages. So
today I wanted to talk about my favorite section of The Knot: the etiquette
Q&A.
Because you aren’t a proper bride unless you consider
everyone else’s feelings but your own when planning your wedding.
Wedding etiquette is a hot button issue these days. There are definitely some things that engaged
couples feel they “have” to do. A
wedding is not just a celebration of your relationship anymore and the fact
that you decided to take the plunge together.
It also becomes about pleasing every Tom, Dick and distant Uncle Harry
in your family and trying to ensure you don’t step on anyone’s toes, make
anyone feel bad, or make decisions that would reflect poorly on you as a
couple.
To that I say, poppycock.
I know this might be a shock to some, but I am so not a “IT’S
MYYYYYY WEDDINGGGGGG” type of bride. I
understand that there are compromises that need to be made and family that
ought not to be shunned and concessions that need to happen. We can’t have everyone and do everything that
we want. But at the same time, I am of
the firm belief that you only get one kick at the can with this. And the day should be everything you want it
to be, within reason. And if you spend
too much time trying to please everyone, you will please nobody, including yourself.
LOLZ.
A lot of times when I read through these etiquette questions,
I am like, seriously? That’s your
advice? Come on. I would tell that bride what's what! So because I have less than 6
months of wedding planning under my belt which makes me completely qualified to
dish out advice, plus I am a very honest (read: blunt) person, I have taken it
upon myself to select a couple of etiquette questions from The Knot and answer
them properly. Read on...
We're having a small
wedding. Do we have to invite Mr. Smith "and Guest"? Honestly, if I
don’t think they are seriously dating someone, I don’t think they should be
entitled to bring a guest.
I don't think you should be entitled to be such a judgemental douchebag. Put yourself in his
shoes. How do you think Mr. Smith feels
while you’re decreeing from your almighty bride pedestal how serious his relationships are? Then, how does Mr.
Smith feel when he arrives at your wedding to find himself at a “singles table”
like a diseased outcast? I get that you’re
having a small wedding, but here is the barometer – if you care about Mr. Smith
enough that you want him at your exclusive affair, then you should be fine with
letting him bring someone that he can talk to during the evening. If you get angry at the thought of paying for
Mr. Smith’s whoreish date’s dinner and drinks all night because you know he's a playboy and probably won't even be talking to her in two weeks, he probably shouldn’t
be on the guest list. Newsflash: you’re
going to be too busy chatting up all the people you haven’t seen in a long
time, getting your cheeks pinched from family who keep commenting on how they
last saw you when you were knee high to a grasshopper, and spending 20 minutes
in the bathroom every time you need to pee due to needing 6 people to hold your
dress up, to babysit Mr. Smith all night because he has nobody else to talk
to. Singles should have people to
accompany them, period. Would you want to go to a wedding alone?
Singledom is contagious. So we have to isolate them.
It seems like since
the second we got engaged, every third person says, "So, when are you two
having kids?" We're not even married yet! How should we answer this?
Seriously? Do people
still do this? So the advice on The Knot
was to laugh it off and make some breezy comment about how we’re taking one big
life altering step at a time. Pfff. Please.
My advice? Put them on the
spot. Say something like, “Why do you
need to know?” that stops them in their
tracks and makes them consider their rudeness.
Or something condescending like, “We’ll letcha know”. And add a wink and a gun. But seriously, do people still do this?
My brother decided to
have his wedding on my birthday. This
really upsets me, because I feel he is trying to upstage me on my day. How can I tell him that I don’t want him to
have his wedding on a day that is supposed to be for me?
First. Get over
yourself. You might be at the age now
(I’m assuming, since you sound young and self-centered) where every birthday
you get dressed up in your skankiest outfit, rent a cheap limo, and go out the
bar with your friends while drunkenly shout-slurring “IT’S MY BIRTHDAYYYY” to
every loser guy who buys you a shot. But as you get older, birthdays are just a
way to acknowledge that yet another year has passed. Whoopdeedoo.
Who cares if your brother is getting married on your birthday? He’s not a thunder-stealing asshole, it’s
just a coincidence that your birthday falls on the only Saturday in June that
his fiance’s favorite venue is available. Don’t take it so bloody personal, geezus. Second. There’s a big party happening on your
birthday! Get excited! If my brother got married on my birthday, I
would be like, BONUS. Drinking for free on
the ol’ bday. Boom.
It’s their party and I’ll cry if I want to...
We are trying to keep
our guest list at around 175 people for cost reasons (it's the most we can
afford to feed), but we certainly could have more guests -- as long as they
didn't eat. Is it okay to invite people just for the dancing portion of the
reception, but not the wedding ceremony or the dinner?
Oh pleeeease.
Really? Just who are these C-list
guests that you’re going to invite to come to your wedding at 9 pm? And do you really think that they are going
to appreciate being told in not so many words that they aren’t important enough
to witness your marriage or sit down to have a meal with you, but they are
permitted to come and be honored to be in your presence as long as they don’t
cost you anything? Just skip it. Have the wedding you can afford where every
guest is included in the entire day.
This is a classic case of wanting everything. Get it together and realize that what you’re
proposing is selfish, rude and makes you look like an idiot.
I am trying to lose a
lot of weight in time for my wedding (six months from now). The problem is that
I feel pressured to get my wedding dress soon (because of the three to four
months it takes for one to come in). I don't want to have to buy a size that fits
me now or get a style that would flatter my current shape. I am planning to be
thin! Can I buy the dress before I lose
weight?
Straight up? No. I feel for you, because all brides want to
lose a few el-bees before the wedding, I get that. But what are you going to do if you don’t
lose the weight? Squeeze into a
too-small wedding dress and end up looking like 10 pounds of sh*t in a 5 pound
bag? Not cool. It’s a day where you’re on display for a long
time and if you’re uncomfortable and can’t breathe or end up splitting your
seams at dinner, you’re going to have miserable memories of the day, get down on yourself, and then gain 15 more pounds drowning your sorrows in ice cream.
Just order the right size dress for god’s sake, and if you end up losing
weight, yay for you and you can get it taken in. If not, which is likely, given that you’ve
waited until six months prior to even start thinking about losing weight, then
at least you have something to wear to your own wedding.
Wanna look like this on your wedding day? No?
Then order the right size dress.
There was so many more I wanted to include in this post,
so you can expect a more healthy doses of honesty in future blog updates. And hey, if any bride wants some bad wedding
advice, feel free to ask and I’ll include it in an upcoming entry!
Happy Wedding Wednesday!
~M
