Once upon a time, weddings were simple. The bride announced her engagement, she
picked a dress, she selected her bridesmaids, and mother took care of the
rest. The wedding was three acts: the ceremony, the food, and the dancing. It was a lovely ritual, which allowed just
enough time for the newlyweds to commemorate their new life together and
celebrate with family and friends before returning to normal life as husband
and wife.
That was then.
Now, weddings are a
full-blown extravaganza. Part
coronation, part honor-yourself beauty pageant, part game show, part Broadway
musical. 18 months of planning time is a
crunch. There are no longer 5 decisions
to make, there are 135. Where it was
once considered creative to leave the word “obey” out of the wedding vows for
the bride, now if you don’t have handpainted burlap dinosaurs holding name
cards made out of recycled issues of Rolling Stone, you’re considered wholly
unimaginative.
So it’s time for another snarky installment of Wedding
Traditions: Yay or Nay! You can read
Part 1 here.
The 30 Minute
Slideshow
I love a cute slideshow at a wedding. It’s nice to see a few pictures of the bride
and groom when they were kids, and then as they grew up, and got together. I love the romantic notion of two completely separate
people living their own lives and going through everything they needed to go
through to eventually become perfect for each other. It’s really sweet! (It’s also extra good when it’s just a
running loop through dinner, so you can tune in and out whenever you want....but
I digress.)
Hey Jeff and Allison, I’m pretty sure that if someone is a
guest at your wedding, they’re already pretty familiar with who you are.
What I don’t like, is when it becomes a ridiculously long
tribute to the couple, the speeches are stopped, and you are forced to sit in
silence, offer obligatory laughter when the picture comes up of the bride as a
baby sitting in her high chair covered in spaghetti, and endure photo after
photo after photo while losing your buzz because the bar is closed and the only
thing that keeps you mildly entertained is trying to guess whether you are
important enough to the couple to have made it into their slideshow. I once attended a wedding where there was a slideshow
that featured a bunch of pictures of the bride, and then a bunch of pictures of
the groom, and at this point I’m entirely bored and thinking “rock on, we’re in
the home stretch, we just need to get through the couple pictures, clap and
smile, and I can go grab another double Caesar” and then ANOTHER set of photos
of the bride came up. And the photos
were on screen for way too long.
Anything longer than 2-Mississippi and I lose interest. Come on!
Don’t put your guests through that!
So when the topic of a slideshow came up, Eric and I knew
that we didn’t really want a big production number filled with only photos of
ourselves. But then Eric had a great
idea that I LOVED: instead of photos of
ourselves, why don’t we have a slideshow running in the background with photos
of our guests? We really do want our
wedding day to be about honoring the important people in our lives that have
shaped us into who we are and this is a way of doing that instead of making the
whole night feel like A Tribute to the Awesome Lives of Eric and Mickaela. We’re just getting married, not curing
cancer.
Verdict: You had
better start taking down any Facebook pics of yourselves that you don’t want
shown at my wedding... ;)
Getting Cake Smashed
In Your Face
Probably one of the first things I told Eric when we were
talking about the reception is that I do not appreciate this tradition at
all. The bride spends literally HOURS
getting ready. She has spent so much
time selecting the perfect dress, with the perfect accessories, getting the
perfect coif, selecting makeup colors and getting her look just right, and then
BAM! All of a sudden she has red velvet
and cream cheese rammed up her nose and she has to go to the bathroom for 20
minutes to pick the crumbs out of her eyelashes and try to get the
stains out of her dress. I don’t know
where the hell this tradition started but it’s ridiculous. Is it supposed to be funny? Cute? Playful? Because all I see it as is disrespectful,
humiliating, and a waste of money on a perfectly good makeup job. Need more proof? How do these photos make you feel:
Really?
She looks like she has a bloody nose.
Yeah he really looks like he loves that.
Nothing says wedded bliss like an unprovoked act of aggression!
Thank GOD she didn't get any on his Miller Lite hat! Phewf.
Verdict: NEVER.
Clinking of the Glasses
I almost don’t want to get myself started on this one.
This tradition drives me bonkers at weddings and I’m not
even the one that has to kiss. And you
always know it’s coming. The music
plays, the wedding party comes in, the bride and groom are announced, and then
right as everyone is sitting down there is some sniggering idiot who resembles
Peter Griffin that picks up his knife and taps on his water glass while
guffawing with a big toothy smile, juuuuust as the bride and groom are sitting
down. So they oblige to the rudeness,
stand up to kiss, and sit back down.
Every time the bride stands up and sits down it’s a production number because
her dress is huge and the chair legs are on it and she doesn’t want it to get
ripped or spill anything on it. And
every 38 seconds like clockwork it happens again. And again.
And again. They can barely shovel
some food in their mouth and swallow it before they’re forced to tongue each
other down again while everyone claps in amusement. And because all wedding couples know that
there is ZERO chance that there won’t be glass clinking at the reception, they
always come up with some other cute little idea designed to deter guests from
continuously rudely interrupting their meal to make them kiss like trained
circus monkeys. You have to sing a song
with the word “love” in it, you have to donate to charity, you have to putt a
hole in one. I like all these ideas, but
I think they detract from what the main alternative should be which is simply, don’t
be an asshole guest and clink your glass.
Hahahahahahaha yayyyyyyyyyyy they’re kissing agaaaaaain! Clink clink clink!
So while Eric and I haven’t really decided our alternative
yet, because we need one, because we know that again, there is ZERO chance
there won’t be glass clinking, my thoughts on this are that the activity a
guest should have to do should be as embarrassing as possible, and as complicated
as possible. Something like: In order to make the bride and groom kiss,
you must first ascend to the podium and mimic the mating sounds of a male
silverback gorilla. If your imitation is
determined satisfactory by a panel of judges, you will proceed to a dart board
where you have one chance to hit the bullseye.
If you do, you will be given an envelope that contains a number from 1
to 10 which corresponds with a numbered rope suspended from the ceiling of the
Millennium Centre. You will climb the
rope using only the strength of your arms, and retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces
from the top. You will have one minute
to complete the puzzle, and the completed puzzle displays a phrase in Arabic
which you must translate to English.
Kneel before the bride and groom and present to them this passphrase,
and if you are correct, they will kiss.
If you are incorrect or fail at any point in the challenge, you are
banished from the wedding and have to take the next cab home.
Verdict: Groan.
Something Old, New,
Borrowed and Blue
When I think of something old, new, borrowed and blue I
usually associate it with a bunch of crap the bride has to carry around with
her on her wedding day. Usually brides
get around this by loosely tying things in like “My dress is new!” and “I have
blue eyes!” and not worrying too much about it.
So while thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this I googled the
origins of this tradition and I was actually pleasantly surprised at the story
of why brides carry the four “somethings” with them on their wedding day. Something old symbolizes the bride’s past and
the continuity with her family, something new symbolizes optimism and hope for
the bride’s future, something borrowed is supposed to come from a happily
married friend or family member and symbolize good fortune carried over to the
bride’s marriage, and something blue symbolizes love, fidelity and honor. This is actually really sweet and definitely
a tradition I want to take part in. For
me, I want each of these items to be special and meaningful and I want to honor
all the important women in my life. And
I actually already have my something blue!
I saved the blue ribbon off my bridesmaid bouquet when I was MOH for
Tara (whose wedding you can read about here) and I’m going to wrap it around my
bridal bouquet on my wedding day. :)
Verdict: Not all
traditions make me want to barf.
And now, in the interest of time because I am a very busy
bride, I have enlisted a special friend of mine to help me go through some
other traditions that I have been questioned about when it comes to the big
day. May I present....
Grumpy Cat.
So you’re a dance teacher, are you going to have
choreographed dances at the wedding?
How about a sand ceremony, those are really sweet!
Unity candle?
Rice throwing?
Bubble blowing?
Is there going to be a four hour break in between your
ceremony and reception?
How about two hours of speeches?
Wow, you’re really grumpy.
I don't want to go to the wedding.
Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!
~M
