Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay? (Part 2)

Once upon a time, weddings were simple.  The bride announced her engagement, she picked a dress, she selected her bridesmaids, and mother took care of the rest.  The wedding was three acts:  the ceremony, the food, and the dancing.  It was a lovely ritual, which allowed just enough time for the newlyweds to commemorate their new life together and celebrate with family and friends before returning to normal life as husband and wife.


That was then.

Now, weddings are a full-blown extravaganza.  Part coronation, part honor-yourself beauty pageant, part game show, part Broadway musical.  18 months of planning time is a crunch.  There are no longer 5 decisions to make, there are 135.  Where it was once considered creative to leave the word “obey” out of the wedding vows for the bride, now if you don’t have handpainted burlap dinosaurs holding name cards made out of recycled issues of Rolling Stone, you’re considered wholly unimaginative.

 

So it’s time for another snarky installment of Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay!  You can read Part 1 here.

 

The 30 Minute Slideshow

I love a cute slideshow at a wedding.  It’s nice to see a few pictures of the bride and groom when they were kids, and then as they grew up, and got together.  I love the romantic notion of two completely separate people living their own lives and going through everything they needed to go through to eventually become perfect for each other.  It’s really sweet!  (It’s also extra good when it’s just a running loop through dinner, so you can tune in and out whenever you want....but I digress.)

 

 

Hey Jeff and Allison, I’m pretty sure that if someone is a guest at your wedding, they’re already pretty familiar with who you are.

 

What I don’t like, is when it becomes a ridiculously long tribute to the couple, the speeches are stopped, and you are forced to sit in silence, offer obligatory laughter when the picture comes up of the bride as a baby sitting in her high chair covered in spaghetti, and endure photo after photo after photo while losing your buzz because the bar is closed and the only thing that keeps you mildly entertained is trying to guess whether you are important enough to the couple to have made it into their slideshow.  I once attended a wedding where there was a slideshow that featured a bunch of pictures of the bride, and then a bunch of pictures of the groom, and at this point I’m entirely bored and thinking “rock on, we’re in the home stretch, we just need to get through the couple pictures, clap and smile, and I can go grab another double Caesar” and then ANOTHER set of photos of the bride came up.  And the photos were on screen for way too long.  Anything longer than 2-Mississippi and I lose interest.  Come on!  Don’t put your guests through that!

So when the topic of a slideshow came up, Eric and I knew that we didn’t really want a big production number filled with only photos of ourselves.  But then Eric had a great idea that I LOVED:  instead of photos of ourselves, why don’t we have a slideshow running in the background with photos of our guests?  We really do want our wedding day to be about honoring the important people in our lives that have shaped us into who we are and this is a way of doing that instead of making the whole night feel like A Tribute to the Awesome Lives of Eric and Mickaela.  We’re just getting married, not curing cancer.

Verdict:  You had better start taking down any Facebook pics of yourselves that you don’t want shown at my wedding... ;)

 

Getting Cake Smashed In Your Face

Probably one of the first things I told Eric when we were talking about the reception is that I do not appreciate this tradition at all.  The bride spends literally HOURS getting ready.  She has spent so much time selecting the perfect dress, with the perfect accessories, getting the perfect coif, selecting makeup colors and getting her look just right, and then BAM!  All of a sudden she has red velvet and cream cheese rammed up her nose and she has to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes to pick the crumbs out of her eyelashes and try to get the stains out of her dress.  I don’t know where the hell this tradition started but it’s ridiculous.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Cute?  Playful?  Because all I see it as is disrespectful, humiliating, and a waste of money on a perfectly good makeup job.  Need more proof?  How do these photos make you feel:

 

 

Really?

 

 

 

She looks like she has a bloody nose.

 

 

 

Yeah he really looks like he loves that.

 

 

 

Nothing says wedded bliss like an unprovoked act of aggression!

 

 

 

Thank GOD she didn't get any on his Miller Lite hat!  Phewf.

 

Verdict:  NEVER. 

 

Clinking of the Glasses

 

I almost don’t want to get myself started on this one. 

This tradition drives me bonkers at weddings and I’m not even the one that has to kiss.  And you always know it’s coming.  The music plays, the wedding party comes in, the bride and groom are announced, and then right as everyone is sitting down there is some sniggering idiot who resembles Peter Griffin that picks up his knife and taps on his water glass while guffawing with a big toothy smile, juuuuust as the bride and groom are sitting down.  So they oblige to the rudeness, stand up to kiss, and sit back down.  Every time the bride stands up and sits down it’s a production number because her dress is huge and the chair legs are on it and she doesn’t want it to get ripped or spill anything on it.  And every 38 seconds like clockwork it happens again.  And again.  And again.  They can barely shovel some food in their mouth and swallow it before they’re forced to tongue each other down again while everyone claps in amusement.  And because all wedding couples know that there is ZERO chance that there won’t be glass clinking at the reception, they always come up with some other cute little idea designed to deter guests from continuously rudely interrupting their meal to make them kiss like trained circus monkeys.  You have to sing a song with the word “love” in it, you have to donate to charity, you have to putt a hole in one.  I like all these ideas, but I think they detract from what the main alternative should be which is simply, don’t be an asshole guest and clink your glass. 

 

Hahahahahahaha yayyyyyyyyyyy they’re kissing agaaaaaain!  Clink clink clink!

 

So while Eric and I haven’t really decided our alternative yet, because we need one, because we know that again, there is ZERO chance there won’t be glass clinking, my thoughts on this are that the activity a guest should have to do should be as embarrassing as possible, and as complicated as possible.  Something like:  In order to make the bride and groom kiss, you must first ascend to the podium and mimic the mating sounds of a male silverback gorilla.  If your imitation is determined satisfactory by a panel of judges, you will proceed to a dart board where you have one chance to hit the bullseye.  If you do, you will be given an envelope that contains a number from 1 to 10 which corresponds with a numbered rope suspended from the ceiling of the Millennium Centre.  You will climb the rope using only the strength of your arms, and retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces from the top.  You will have one minute to complete the puzzle, and the completed puzzle displays a phrase in Arabic which you must translate to English.  Kneel before the bride and groom and present to them this passphrase, and if you are correct, they will kiss.  If you are incorrect or fail at any point in the challenge, you are banished from the wedding and have to take the next cab home.

Verdict:  Groan. 

 

Something Old, New, Borrowed and Blue

When I think of something old, new, borrowed and blue I usually associate it with a bunch of crap the bride has to carry around with her on her wedding day.  Usually brides get around this by loosely tying things in like “My dress is new!” and “I have blue eyes!” and not worrying too much about it.  So while thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this I googled the origins of this tradition and I was actually pleasantly surprised at the story of why brides carry the four “somethings” with them on their wedding day.  Something old symbolizes the bride’s past and the continuity with her family, something new symbolizes optimism and hope for the bride’s future, something borrowed is supposed to come from a happily married friend or family member and symbolize good fortune carried over to the bride’s marriage, and something blue symbolizes love, fidelity and honor.  This is actually really sweet and definitely a tradition I want to take part in.  For me, I want each of these items to be special and meaningful and I want to honor all the important women in my life.  And I actually already have my something blue!  I saved the blue ribbon off my bridesmaid bouquet when I was MOH for Tara (whose wedding you can read about here) and I’m going to wrap it around my bridal bouquet on my wedding day.  :)

Verdict:  Not all traditions make me want to barf.

 

And now, in the interest of time because I am a very busy bride, I have enlisted a special friend of mine to help me go through some other traditions that I have been questioned about when it comes to the big day.  May I present....

 

Grumpy Cat.

 

So you’re a dance teacher, are you going to have choreographed dances at the wedding?

How about a sand ceremony, those are really sweet!

 

 

 

Unity candle?

 

 

 

 

Rice throwing?

 

 

 

 

Bubble blowing?

 

 

 

 

Is there going to be a four hour break in between your ceremony and reception?

 

 

 

 

How about two hours of speeches?

 

 

 

 

Wow, you’re really grumpy.  I don't want to go to the wedding.

 

 

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

~M

 

 

 

Playing It Fast and Loose with the Word “Wonderful”

I attended the Wonderful Wedding Show at the Convention Centre this past weekend, and boy was it an experience.  Since I didn’t take many pictures at the show, this week’s blog post will be filled with Google image recreations of my weekend.  Read on!

 

So I bought the tickets for Saturday and Sunday ahead of time, and on the wedding show website they give you the opportunity to pre-register as a VIB.  This stands for “Very Important Bride”.  Eye roll.  Among the many non-existent perks of being a VIB is early access to the show at 10 am, after which they let in all the sad, unimportant brides at 11 am.  I’m thinking, okay.  That can’t be too bad.  At least they will only let in a select number of people from 10 to 11 and we might be able to zip through the show ahead of everyone and make it out relatively unscathed!  So on Saturday, Eric and I went for about 9:50 am and were greeted with a line that looked something like this:

 

Mother of God.

 

We heard while standing in the Gargantuan Line-Up of Doom that there were over 1,400 “VIBs” registered.  So what’s the point then?  Just say the show starts at 10 and save me from having to give my name and address to yet another website that is only going to spam me to death.  But oh yes, VIBs also get a “complimentary EXCLUSIVE gift bag stuffed full of samples and special offers”!  Which equated to exactly 23 flyers, a small packet of hand cream and an emery board.  Legit.

 

As Eric and I entered the show, our main focus was trying to get information on photographers, as that is the next big step in our plans, but we were quickly engulfed by flyers, draws, and pushy salespeople trying to get us to switch our cable service provider (WHY is MTS Connect at the wedding show.  Why.)  As Eric succinctly put it, he felt like “Frodo walking into Mordor”.  And he wasn’t far off.  Once we got into the belly of the beast, it looked a little something like this:

 

 

I think there are some booths in there somewhere.

 

Despite Eric’s claims of handing in his manhood card, we actually had a good time at the wedding show.  We may have lingered a little too long at the wine tasting booth (twice), but we talked to a few photographers, looked at some invitations, and talked about some little details for the wedding.  Overall, mission accomplished.  One observation that wasn’t lost on either of us though, was how many once-overs Eric got.  Seriously, he was checked out more than a library book.  Now, Eric is a handsome man, we all know this.  But as he made his way through the gauntlets of women at the wedding show, he quickly turned from this:

 

 

Effortless, casual attractiveness

 

To this:

 

 

Note:  Do not Google image “big piece of meat”.  Especially when you are at work. 

 

And if you think that lustfully staring at a man who is clearly the fiancé of the woman he is standing next to wearing the giant pink “BRIDE” lanyard is below the morals of the Lonely Bridesmaid Watching Her Friend Plan the Wedding of her Dreams While Contemplating How Many Viable Eggs She Has Left, well apparently you would be wrong.  But Eric just took it in stride, and we laughed about it later.  And bonus, I get to marry the hot guy who was sweet enough to go to the wedding show with his fiancé!  :)

 

As we moved through the show it seemed that more and more VIBs were catching up to us.  It was so crowded at one junction of the trade show floor (somewhere around the corner of “Happy Sweet Cuteness Photography” and “Perfect Wedded Bliss Sugar Cookies of Love”) that at one point, I had to brush past a few people to sneak through to a few spare inches of open space so I could loosen my collar and wipe my brow.  As I did that, I accidentally tapped the gigantic purse slung over the shoulder of one particularly fat, squat MOB that reminded me a lot of Professor Umbridge in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:

 

 

“I WILL. HAVE. OR-DAH!”

 

So as I tried to politely pass through the throng and in doing so tickled this sleeping dragon, Umbridge whips around, gives me a withering look and spits a vigorous “JEEEEESUS!” in my direction, as if I have just tackled her Terry Tate style.  To which Jesus promptly responded:

 

 

Holy facepalm.

 

So after having entered about 40 draws and making our way through most of the show, Eric and I called it a day.  We were there for about three hours, so Eric definitely earned some big time brownie points!

 

But the fun continues!

 

On Sunday, I went to the show with MOB and my two-so-far bridesmaids, Tara and Melissa.  At this point, I had abandoned all pretenses of being the sweet happy blushing bride that was more than willing to listen to never ending schpeals about things I will never buy.  The snarky bride in me took over and basically we zoomed through the show, I pointed out all the things that I liked, we watched the fashion show (which was pretty good) and entered all the draws again.  We also spent a little more time looking at booths that Eric and I skipped over, plus MOB wanted to scope out the cake booths and Tara kept squealing at twine and patterned paper in the invitation booths.  ;)

 

Other than no lineup, it was still the same show as Saturday.  Every time you turn a corner, you are always faced with some form of this:

 

 

Don’t.  BUMP.  Me.

 

Followed immediately by some form of this:

 

 

Shabby chic.  Minus the chic.

 

 

I DON’T.

 

 

I was getting married in barns with mismatched china before it was cool.

 

Vintage hipsterism is EVERYWHERE.  It’s huge right now.  So every second booth was pink, grey and mint green, and had mason jars, paper hearts, stripes, old wood, more mason jars, and flowered head wreaths.  I don’t really understand this trend at all, but at least that leaves more glitter and sparkles for me!

 

So while I’m pretty far from entering the club of old married ladies and passing on my sage advice to future brides, having endured two days at the wedding show I will share with you the number one thing I learned:

 

Name and address labels are a must.  Period.  I had heard this from past brides and read it on the show website, but you don’t appreciate the enormity of its importance until you are at the wedding show and you can just rip, stick and keep walking instead of stopping for a minute and a half to write down your information over and over.  Eric and I entered 40 draws the first day, so this saved us a whole hour.  But more importantly, you do not want to be bent over a table at a booth writing, and end up on the news like this girl:

 

 

Awkward.

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

 

~M

 

 

 

Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay? (Part 1)

So when Eric and I started to get into some of the smaller details when it came to wedding planning, we found ourselves questioning certain aspects of traditional weddings and whether or not we wanted to include that in our day.  We are not terribly traditional, nor do we want a boring, cookie cutter wedding that our guests can’t wait to get out of and go somewhere more fun.  We also have a budget to stick to, so we need to decide what's really important to us and what we can feel comfortable letting go.  So today I thought I’d share with you some of the things we’ve been discussing and whether or not we’re going to incorporate it into our big day.

 

Engagement photos

Luckily, we were both on the same page with this one.  We don’t see any need at all to spend thousands of dollars on photos of us in our plain clothes.  Wedding photos?  Ultra important.  Engagement photos?  It was hard to come up with a reason why.  Because that’s what you do?  To send out Christmas cards?  For a Save The Date card maybe?  To get comfortable in front of the camera?  We both just thought it was kind of a waste of cash, and we’d rather put that money towards getting a really awesome photographer for the wedding.  Now, I’ve talked to some other brides that have said when you book the photographer for the wedding date, sometimes they will throw in an engagement session for free!  In that case, we probably will but otherwise, we’re saving that dough for when we’re all dolled up.  (And we came up with a really awesome idea for a Save The Date card that will only require one photo of us, and we can do it quick and easy!  Boom.)

Verdict:  Nope.

 

Cute, but we can really do that anytime.

 

Open Bar

Oooh, the everlasting wedding argument.  Do you let your guests go wild on your dime?  Or make them bring cash to your party if they want to indulge?  I can definitely see both sides of this argument.  If you have an open bar, a lot of times people will get hammered, leave half full drinks everywhere, and a lot gets wasted that the bride and groom still have to pay for.  On the other hand, a lot of wedding guests say a cash bar is a hassle and just reduce the presentation they offer the couple to pay for their drinks.  Regardless of the pros and cons of each, it is very important to us to have an open bar for our guests.  We enjoy our bevies, our friends like to drink (a lot, as evidenced by our engagement party) and we know a lot of our other guests enjoy a sip or two now and then...Dance Moms, I’m lookin’ at you.  We don’t want our guests worrying about paying for drinks, we just want them to have a great time.  This is why it was important that the venue we book allows us to bring in our own booze.  We want to have premium liquor and a signature drink (cosmopolitans...natch), and we also have a little something extra planned between the ceremony and reception... 

Verdict:  Drink and be married!

 

Wave your hands in the air like you just don’t care!

 

 

 

This could be you.

 

Groom’s Cake

Neither Eric nor my dad (affectionately dubbed FOB on this blog) had heard of a Groom’s Cake before.  Basically this is a way for the groom to be recognized and represented on the cake table.  The wedding cake itself is usually a tall, white, sparkly beast – all things bride.  Groom’s Cakes are fun because they allow for the groom’s interests to be displayed at the wedding.  When I first brought up the idea to Eric, he was sort of indifferent and asked a few questions, particularly what would be on it.  When I said that it usually is the groom’s favorite sports team or something like that, he said “You had me at Oakland Raiders.”  Now, a Groom’s Cake would normally be considered a splurge because as we all know, wedding cakes are usually pretty expensive.  But because MOB is also the Cake Boss Supreme, we’ll be able to get Eric a ridiculously awesome cake for just the price of a few hugs.  Right mom?  Right? 

Verdict:  RAIDER NATION!

 

Like this, but way better.  Have you seen my mom’s cakes?  Check them out.

 

Awkward Wedding Party Dance

Why?  Just why.  The only reason I can think of why people do this is because it’s a tradition.  That is not a good enough reason to slam your bridesmaids and groomsmen together for 4 minutes of pure awkwardness.  I liken this dance to kids at a junior high dance.  You can’t dance too closely, but it’s also weird if you’re too far away.  You can’t chatter in their ear the whole time, but it’s also weird if you don’t talk at all.  You can make some small talk, but you are also three inches from their face.  It’s creepy to look them in the eye the whole time, but you also don’t want to be looking around either so your partner feels like you’re counting down the seconds until Amazed by Lonestar is over even though really, they feel the same way.  Nobody needs to see our wedding party dance with each other.  We want everyone up on the dance floor right away!  Finish your dinner and let’s party!

Verdict:  Save it for the sock hop.

 

Pretty much looks EXACTLY like this.

 

Bouquet and Garter Toss

Yet another tradition that nobody seems to question and therefore it’s included at every wedding.  Let’s break this down.  When a single girl is at a wedding, she’s probably feeling a few pangs of jealousy as it is.  Not saying that every single girl is dying to get married, but I’m sure there are a few fleeting moments of wondering when her prince charming is going to come along.  Do you think it makes said single girl feel better when suddenly, the party is stopped.  The lights go on.  The DJ booms over the microphone “LET’S GET ALL THE SINGLE LADIES ON THE DANCE FLOOR!”  Then people around her start pointing it out to her.  “Go on, you’re siiiiinglllllle!  Get up therrrrrre!”  So she begrudgingly goes to the dance floor with all the other single girls, on display for everyone to see.  Yes everyone, I’m single!  Take a look!  Nope, no man over here!  Then the bride turns her back and shuns her poor, lonely single friends, and tosses her bridal bouquet over her shoulder.  Take my used scraps losers, I’m married now!  And since it’s well known that the bridal bouquet is the last chance any of these single girls have at romantic happiness, things can get a little vicious.  Clawing, pushing, shoving, scratching...until finally, one single girl emerges victorious and can dream of the day she gets to throw a bunch of flowers in her single friends’ faces. 

 

 

Let’s tear it to pieces in a humiliating display of self-loathing!

As for the garter toss, hilarious.  For as excited as the single girls get when they see the trajectory of the bouquet heading straight toward them, the guys could not care less.  Most of them are three sheets to the wind already and don’t even know what they are doing up there.  Not to mention the awkward moment where the bride has to sit on a chair and her groom has to root around under her dress to find the thing.  And if it takes any longer than 8 seconds, people lose interest.  Why stop the party for this?  Worst.

Verdict:  This tradition needs to die.  Now.

 

 

Could this be more awkward?

 

Fireworks

 

 

Come on, a girl can dream can’t she?

 

Verdict:  I think they are illegal downtown.  But if I could get away with it, I would.

 

Funny story:  When I asked for Eric’s input on this list, he came up with tons of good examples and the list ended up needing to be split into 2 parts.  Then he goes, “your shoes? ;)”  My groom thinks he’s pretty funny!  But seriously, those were never anywhere but the “Absolutely Necessary” category.

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

~M