MC - Master of Coolness

Soooo, wedding planning has gotten a little crazy lately.  Our to-do list is a mile long and it seems like we have something to do every day!  It's fun, but my nerves are starting to get frazzled because it's hard not to feel like we've forgotten some giant detail.

Also, I plan on writing a very strongly worded letter to the makers of NyQuil for my emotional trauma that I have been subjected to due to the use of their product.  For some reason, NyQuil seems to give me nightmares.  Not just your average, being chased by a giant spider wearing clown makeup type of nightmares, where you wake up and laugh at their absurdity.  No, NyQuil seems to contain an ingredient that digs up your deepest, darkest fears and presents them to you in wave after wave of horrific nightmares, after which you wake up in a cold sweat and it takes serious time for you to realize that what just happened wasn't real.

 

NyQuil.  The nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, scare-you-so-much-you-shit-the-bed-and-forget-about-being-sick medicine.

 

 

Why am I blogging about this you ask?  Well, because last night I had a nightmare that I went to try on my wedding dress a week before the wedding, and it did not fit.  It was a real nightmare, at the real place where I bought my dress, with the real people that helped me try it on, and my MOB and MOH looking on sadly as three people had to try and pin a piece of cardboard covered in satin between the gaping wide zipper of the dress to hide my cascading rolls of back fat.  Okay, so maybe that last part wasn't realistic, but I still woke up hyperventilating and then pitifully begged Eric to tell me I'm pretty.  They should have a fricken warning on that bottle for brides!

 

ANYWAY. 

 

In happier news, we have chosen our MC!  This esteemed position requires a person who is funny, creative, affable, responsible, and classy.  There is nothing worse than that sinking, awkward feeling you get when someone up in front of a crowd is rambling drunkenly on the mike, saying things that are not remotely funny and all you can do is let out a shifty-eyed nervous laugh and pray that it's over soon.  Our wedding is going to be an elegant affair, so it was important we didn't select someone who was going to make us feel mortified beyond belief at their embarrassing behavior, but also important to select someone that will keep the evening moving smoothly and set the tone of the evening, so that nobody thinks its appropriate to end up puking off their triple rye and passing out under a table.  You know who you are.

 

 

"Soooooo I sayssss totheguy I ssssays...."

 

 

In my opinion, nobody epitomizes taste and class like my brother Justin.  When we were talking about choosing an MC, Eric and I agreed that he would be a great choice.  Justin is a sommelier and has worked at some of Canada's top restaurants in Toronto, Vancouver, and the Okanagan Valley.  In short: he's kind of a big deal.

 

 

Right?



 

We know that Justin will be an excellent host and make our evening wonderful, but we're also taking advantage of his skill set in a big way.  So in addition to being the MC, we are very excited to share that we've also asked Justin to host a wine tasting during our cocktail hour, where he will choose an array of fabulous wines and impart some of his extensive knowledge on our guests as they enjoy their hors d'oeuvres. 

 

 

 

"And...pinky UP...."

 

 

Justin will also be choosing the dinner wine (no Naked Grape for our wedding guests) and he will be performing the famous sommelier demonstration for our toast, which is sabering a bottle of champagne with a big sword.  I've always thought this was the coolest.  Not only are you lopping off the entire top of the champagne bottle (glass, cork and all) but if you turn the sword at the slightest wrong angle, the champagne bottle shatters all over the place. 

 

 

 

 

Right.

 

 

 

Wrong.

 

 

 

 

Deadly weapon.

 

 

 

So I owe a big thanks to my brother for agreeing to do all this at our wedding.  It's so exciting to see all the details of our day coming together.  I truly think it's going to be such a great experience for all our guests!

 

 

 

Do I have the coolest bro or what.

 

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

 

~M

 

 



 

 



Handle The Kids With Kid Gloves

Hey everyone!  We are now in Month Four of the Wedding Countdown.  I can't believe it's February already.  I also can't believe how the closer to the wedding it gets, the more the to-do list multiplies exponentially.  Honestly, that thing is like a wet gremlin.  And the nice, pre-packaged to-do list in my app?  Missing a lot of essentials.  Then there's all the extra things we've got planned for our wedding that need to be done, including the wicked idea Eric had for us to do instead of kissing after glass clinking.  (Oh, it's good.  Clinkers beware.)

Preach.

The time has come in the wedding planning process where we sit down with our stationer and design our wedding invitations.  Normally this is a very exciting time for a bride, but what comes before it is one of the most stressful parts of wedding planning, which is finalizing the guest list so we can figure out how many invitations to order.  Agh.  I have been putting off writing this post almost as long as I have been putting off finalizing the guest list.  If I could invite everyone I've ever met to my wedding, I would.  Unfortunately, trying to keep the budget under control prevents me from doing so.  

Deciding who makes the cut is agonizing.  But it's time to put the big girl panties on and make the tough decisions.  Still, I feel so bad when taking people off the list, this is all I can picture:

 

*whimper*

Another issue I have to face is trying to explain to the people we are inviting that we do not want children under 12 (save for Eric's two nephews and my niece and nephew) at the wedding.  I have thought of a million ways to say this politely, including the following:

"We respectfully request that you leave your children under 12 in the care of another for this evening."

"This will be an adult-only ceremony and reception."

"Unfortunately due to our venue we are unable to accommodate children under 12."

But of course, any parent who is told this only hears one thing:

"We don't want your filthy misbehaved spawns at our holier-than-thou event, so leave your damn wiener kids at home because WE HATE THEM AND WE ARE THE WORST PEOPLE ON EARTH."

At which point said parents turn from this:

 

 To this:

 I totally get it.  Every parent thinks their children are the most precious beings ever, and can't understand how a betrothed couple could possibly have their special day without the wonderful presence of their delightful little cherub.  And I'm sure that all those kids are as well-behaved and as funny and as cute as their proud parents say.  I'm not a child-hater.  I've taught dance classes for the last 15 years and I love kids.  I hope to have some of my own someday.  The reason that children under 12 are not allowed at the wedding is for one reason and one reason only.  Observe:

Riiiiiight.

We will not have spent 18 months of painstaking planning (and a small fortune from our bank account) to have the wedding of our dreams, only to have the most special moments of our day made awkward by a child's tantrum.  My wedding video will not be marred with muffled cries while I'm saying my vows to my husband.  My elegant, beautiful, sophisticated affair will not be interrupted by a tiny human rolling around on the dance floor during speeches while his/her parent looks on adoringly, thinking it's just the cutest thing anyone will have ever seen.  I just don't think a wedding is a place for a small child, and we will do our best to make sure that the parents we have invited will have a great time out sans their children, who are safe at home with their grandmother watching them.

I've had endless conversations and performed endless Google searches on this very topic.  It's incredibly sensitive, as the quickest way to offend someone and turn them into a mama-bear-angry-spider-monkey is to make them feel as though you've insulted their kids.  And that is truly not my intention.  So I went to my unofficial Difficult Wedding Decision Maker, the First Lady of Etiquette, Miss Martha Stewart.  

 

Oh Martha Stewart.  You're so wise.  Except for that whole insider trading thing.

From the Martha Stewart Weddings website:

"Is It Appropriate Not To Invite Children?"

MS:  Yes - especially if the wedding is in the evening or is very formal.

Thanks Martha!  Case closed.

So while we want to spend our wedding in the company of adults, I hope that all the parents out there understand that yes, your kids are adorable; yes, we love them very much; but no, we're not having kids at our wedding.  And we will be more than happy to come and visit and play with your kids after the honeymoon!  And maybe I'll bring Coney, just as a special treat.  ;)

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

~M

 

A Royal Favor

There are a lot of foods that I had never tried prior to meeting Eric – perogies, sushi, lamb, tilapia...the list goes on.  It would be a gross understatement to say that I was a picky eater as a child, and those habits grew with me into adulthood where during my days as a single bachelorette in Osborne Village, the only things that could be found in my cupboards were Kraft Dinner, Oreos and Mr. Noodles.  Eric has constantly been introducing me to new foods and encouraging me to try new things, and now I find myself more adventurous in the culinary world, though I have still not tried a fraction of the weird food he has consumed, including sea urchin, boa constrictor, and turtle...

 

Sea urchin – it’s what’s for dinner!

But after a recent trip to the St. Norbert Farmer’s Market, I learned about another delightful little treat that I have never tried, Imperial cookies!  And these just happen to be Eric’s favorite.

 

 

Yum!

This famous little cookie from the UK (where Eric’s mother is from) is very simple.  Two English biscuits, or sugar cookies, some raspberry jam in the middle, with sweet white icing on the top and usually finished with a little cherry, jelly candy, or a cutout on the top cookie.  When we saw a giant one at the Farmer’s Market a couple weeks ago, we bought it to share as dessert after our yummy meal of bison steaks.  It was delicious, and it got us to talking about these cookies and how much Eric loves them.

 

 

Haha!  The stupidest things make me laugh, I swear...

Eric and I have been tossing around different ideas for our wedding favors for a while, and we knew we wanted it to be something very personal, yet practical for our guests.  We thought about wine stoppers, corkscrews, wine glasses, chocolate, etc. but nothing was really a perfect fit.  We want our favors to be representative of us, yet really memorable.  We want our guests to love them, so that they don’t get left on the tables or forgotten.  And one thing Eric pointed out that I think is really smart, is that guests love a favor they can eat.  Weddings ceremonies are at a weird time, say 3:30 or 4 pm, and once you get through that and make your way to the reception, you’re usually peckish and dinner doesn’t get served for another two hours!  So, what better way to finish off the cocktail hour bites than with a couple of mini Imperials?

 

 

“Imperial” cookies, hahaha...yet another good one!

So, I told Eric about High Tea Bakery here in Winnipeg, and how they are famous for their Imperial cookies and I have heard over and over how great they are but didn’t take any notice because I didn’t know what Imperial cookies were.  They were featured in the Oh Canada Premium Gift Lounge at the Golden Globes, and they were also made for the Queen during her visit in 2010.  La dee dah!  So last Saturday we went down to High Tea and tried the mini Imperial and the regular sized Imperial.

 

 

Mini imperials from the High Tea website!

Verdict?  Freakin’ delicious.  Divine.  I’m not a big cookie lover (except for the aforementioned Bachelorette Oreos) and I thought they were ah-mazing.  Eric loved them too, and since he has very discriminating taste when it comes to Imperials, this was a huge success.  And hey, if they are good enough for Her Majesty, I guess they are good enough for our wedding guests!  So keep an eye out at our wedding for High Tea’s delicious Imperials!  And if you haven’t yet, I highly recommend you get down there and try them.  Seriously.  Go now. 

 

 

Like this, but better.  And with the proper initials.

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

~M

Theme Schmeme

I have to make this week’s blog post quick because I am drowning in a sea of T4s and T5s, but I just wanted to share a quick little topic that Eric and I have been discussing here and there since we started planning.  I also realize I've been pretty snarky the last couple posts, and while I am a sarcastic jerkface, I actually really do love wedding planning and blogging about decisions!

If you watch the show “Four Weddings” you’ll see that for every bride’s wedding, a two or three word theme is attached to her that best describes her wedding.  It usually has something to do with the decor, the personality of the bride, or some ridiculous thing she has planned that sets her apart.

 

 

From L to R:  Welsh Wizardry, Tears of Joy, Love Nest, Fiery and Fierce. 

I wish I was making this up.

 

So when we were watching an epi of Four Weddings once (I say we, but I really mean me, while Eric sits at the kitchen table doing something far less embarrassing and I make judgey comments out loud), I asked Eric what he thought the theme of our wedding should be.  He didn’t really know what I meant, so I broke it down for him.  “You know, like our theme.  Our THEME.  [large hand gestures] Our overall theme.”  Naturally, he was still a little puzzled, so I threw out a few examples. 

"Romantic simplicity"  A soft color palette of mostly pink, peach and purple pastels, roses, sweeping linens, casual and sweet:

 

 

 

"Dramatic elegance"  A dark, jewel toned palette with lots of sparkle, exotic flowers, lights and a black-tie feel.

 

"Rustic Luxe"  Mossy, old, and smelly, with a woodsy twist.  Must have lace, mismatched china, and hipster guests.

 

 

 

So after I’m done giving my ridiculous examples, Eric started laughing.  He was like, “Romantic simplicity?  That makes no sense.  That’s like saying our wedding theme is...FUN HAPPINESS!”  Which of course, made me LOL.  Eric is seriously hilarious, especially when it comes to making fun of me while I'm totally geeking out during wedding planning.

But after talking about colors and different things, we are leaning towards dramatic elegance, even if that’s not our official wedding theme.  We’re probably going with a dark royal purple as an accent color, which I think will look great in the Millennium Centre, along with high centerpieces (that’s right, you won’t be able to see the people across from you at the table, deal with it) uplighting, and naturally, a touch of bling.  ;)

Some inspiration pics...

 

 

Ah, the internet.  What did brides do before Pinterest?

So while our theme is far from nailed down and we have a long way to go before we start picking out linens, the vision is there!  Knowing me I will probably change my mind ten more times but still...progress!

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

~M

 

A Healthy Dose of Honesty, You're Welcome.

 

Confession:  I spend a lot of time on wedding websites.  Like a lot.  I think every bride has this fear that you have only one shot to get your wedding right, to get it to be the perfect day you always dreamed of.  So in the course of the planning, the bride is concerned that while she may have in mind a seemingly perfect palette of color to complement the stunning centerpiece she imagines that magnificently reflects her and the groom’s personality, wit, charm, essence and flair, there is always this annoying, niggling little voice in the back of her mind that says, “what if there is something better out there?  Prettier?  Nicer?  Less expensive?”  So the bride pores over pages and pages of photos and inspiration on the internet, always looking for some magical little diamond in the rough to pop up and give her the greatest idea in the history of time.

No?  Just me?  Okay then.

 

 

An artist’s rendition of me looking at wedding websites.

 

It’s hard for any bride to plan a wedding without having at least one encounter with The Knot.  It’s a gigantic wedding website with tons of inspiration, photos, articles, vendor features, ideas, and checklists.  Not only are they a massive internet presence, but they have also branched out as a publishing giant, putting out endless books, planners, apps, magazines and products for the billion-dollar wedding industry.  So needless to say, I have spent my fair share of time on its hallowed pages.  So today I wanted to talk about my favorite section of The Knot: the etiquette Q&A. 

 

 

Because you aren’t a proper bride unless you consider everyone else’s feelings but your own when planning your wedding. 

 

Wedding etiquette is a hot button issue these days.  There are definitely some things that engaged couples feel they “have” to do.  A wedding is not just a celebration of your relationship anymore and the fact that you decided to take the plunge together.  It also becomes about pleasing every Tom, Dick and distant Uncle Harry in your family and trying to ensure you don’t step on anyone’s toes, make anyone feel bad, or make decisions that would reflect poorly on you as a couple.

To that I say, poppycock.

I know this might be a shock to some, but I am so not a “IT’S MYYYYYY WEDDINGGGGGG” type of bride.  I understand that there are compromises that need to be made and family that ought not to be shunned and concessions that need to happen.  We can’t have everyone and do everything that we want.  But at the same time, I am of the firm belief that you only get one kick at the can with this.  And the day should be everything you want it to be, within reason.  And if you spend too much time trying to please everyone, you will please nobody, including yourself.

 

 

LOLZ.

 

A lot of times when I read through these etiquette questions, I am like, seriously?  That’s your advice?  Come on.  I would tell that bride what's what!  So because I have less than 6 months of wedding planning under my belt which makes me completely qualified to dish out advice, plus I am a very honest (read: blunt) person, I have taken it upon myself to select a couple of etiquette questions from The Knot and answer them properly.  Read on...

We're having a small wedding. Do we have to invite Mr. Smith "and Guest"? Honestly, if I don’t think they are seriously dating someone, I don’t think they should be entitled to bring a guest.

I don't think you should be entitled to be such a judgemental douchebag.  Put yourself in his shoes.  How do you think Mr. Smith feels while you’re decreeing from your almighty bride pedestal how serious his relationships are? Then, how does Mr. Smith feel when he arrives at your wedding to find himself at a “singles table” like a diseased outcast?   I get that you’re having a small wedding, but here is the barometer – if you care about Mr. Smith enough that you want him at your exclusive affair, then you should be fine with letting him bring someone that he can talk to during the evening.  If you get angry at the thought of paying for Mr. Smith’s whoreish date’s dinner and drinks all night because you know he's a playboy and probably won't even be talking to her in two weeks, he probably shouldn’t be on the guest list.  Newsflash: you’re going to be too busy chatting up all the people you haven’t seen in a long time, getting your cheeks pinched from family who keep commenting on how they last saw you when you were knee high to a grasshopper, and spending 20 minutes in the bathroom every time you need to pee due to needing 6 people to hold your dress up, to babysit Mr. Smith all night because he has nobody else to talk to.  Singles should have people to accompany them, period.  Would you want to go to a wedding alone?

 

 

Singledom is contagious. So we have to isolate them.

It seems like since the second we got engaged, every third person says, "So, when are you two having kids?" We're not even married yet! How should we answer this?

Seriously?  Do people still do this?  So the advice on The Knot was to laugh it off and make some breezy comment about how we’re taking one big life altering step at a time.  Pfff.  Please.  My advice?  Put them on the spot.  Say something like, “Why do you need to know?”  that stops them in their tracks and makes them consider their rudeness.  Or something condescending like, “We’ll letcha know”.  And add a wink and a gun.  But seriously, do people still do this?

 

My brother decided to have his wedding on my birthday.  This really upsets me, because I feel he is trying to upstage me on my day.  How can I tell him that I don’t want him to have his wedding on a day that is supposed to be for me?

First.  Get over yourself.   You might be at the age now (I’m assuming, since you sound young and self-centered) where every birthday you get dressed up in your skankiest outfit, rent a cheap limo, and go out the bar with your friends while drunkenly shout-slurring “IT’S MY BIRTHDAYYYY” to every loser guy who buys you a shot.  But as you get older, birthdays are just a way to acknowledge that yet another year has passed.  Whoopdeedoo.  Who cares if your brother is getting married on your birthday?  He’s not a thunder-stealing asshole, it’s just a coincidence that your birthday falls on the only Saturday in June that his fiance’s favorite venue is available.  Don’t take it so bloody personal, geezus.  Second.  There’s a big party happening on your birthday!  Get excited!  If my brother got married on my birthday, I would be like, BONUS.  Drinking for free on the ol’ bday.  Boom.

 

 

It’s their party and I’ll cry if I want to...

 

We are trying to keep our guest list at around 175 people for cost reasons (it's the most we can afford to feed), but we certainly could have more guests -- as long as they didn't eat. Is it okay to invite people just for the dancing portion of the reception, but not the wedding ceremony or the dinner?

Oh pleeeease.  Really?  Just who are these C-list guests that you’re going to invite to come to your wedding at 9 pm?  And do you really think that they are going to appreciate being told in not so many words that they aren’t important enough to witness your marriage or sit down to have a meal with you, but they are permitted to come and be honored to be in your presence as long as they don’t cost you anything?  Just skip it.  Have the wedding you can afford where every guest is included in the entire day.  This is a classic case of wanting everything.  Get it together and realize that what you’re proposing is selfish, rude and makes you look like an idiot.

 

I am trying to lose a lot of weight in time for my wedding (six months from now). The problem is that I feel pressured to get my wedding dress soon (because of the three to four months it takes for one to come in). I don't want to have to buy a size that fits me now or get a style that would flatter my current shape. I am planning to be thin!  Can I buy the dress before I lose weight?

Straight up?  No.  I feel for you, because all brides want to lose a few el-bees before the wedding, I get that.  But what are you going to do if you don’t lose the weight?  Squeeze into a too-small wedding dress and end up looking like 10 pounds of sh*t in a 5 pound bag?  Not cool.  It’s a day where you’re on display for a long time and if you’re uncomfortable and can’t breathe or end up splitting your seams at dinner, you’re going to have miserable memories of the day, get down on yourself, and then gain 15 more pounds drowning your sorrows in ice cream.  Just order the right size dress for god’s sake, and if you end up losing weight, yay for you and you can get it taken in.  If not, which is likely, given that you’ve waited until six months prior to even start thinking about losing weight, then at least you have something to wear to your own wedding.

 

 

Wanna look like this on your wedding day?  No?  Then order the right size dress.

 

There was so many more I wanted to include in this post, so you can expect a more healthy doses of honesty in future blog updates.  And hey, if any bride wants some bad wedding advice, feel free to ask and I’ll include it in an upcoming entry!

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!

 

~M

Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay? (Part 2)

Once upon a time, weddings were simple.  The bride announced her engagement, she picked a dress, she selected her bridesmaids, and mother took care of the rest.  The wedding was three acts:  the ceremony, the food, and the dancing.  It was a lovely ritual, which allowed just enough time for the newlyweds to commemorate their new life together and celebrate with family and friends before returning to normal life as husband and wife.


That was then.

Now, weddings are a full-blown extravaganza.  Part coronation, part honor-yourself beauty pageant, part game show, part Broadway musical.  18 months of planning time is a crunch.  There are no longer 5 decisions to make, there are 135.  Where it was once considered creative to leave the word “obey” out of the wedding vows for the bride, now if you don’t have handpainted burlap dinosaurs holding name cards made out of recycled issues of Rolling Stone, you’re considered wholly unimaginative.

 

So it’s time for another snarky installment of Wedding Traditions: Yay or Nay!  You can read Part 1 here.

 

The 30 Minute Slideshow

I love a cute slideshow at a wedding.  It’s nice to see a few pictures of the bride and groom when they were kids, and then as they grew up, and got together.  I love the romantic notion of two completely separate people living their own lives and going through everything they needed to go through to eventually become perfect for each other.  It’s really sweet!  (It’s also extra good when it’s just a running loop through dinner, so you can tune in and out whenever you want....but I digress.)

 

 

Hey Jeff and Allison, I’m pretty sure that if someone is a guest at your wedding, they’re already pretty familiar with who you are.

 

What I don’t like, is when it becomes a ridiculously long tribute to the couple, the speeches are stopped, and you are forced to sit in silence, offer obligatory laughter when the picture comes up of the bride as a baby sitting in her high chair covered in spaghetti, and endure photo after photo after photo while losing your buzz because the bar is closed and the only thing that keeps you mildly entertained is trying to guess whether you are important enough to the couple to have made it into their slideshow.  I once attended a wedding where there was a slideshow that featured a bunch of pictures of the bride, and then a bunch of pictures of the groom, and at this point I’m entirely bored and thinking “rock on, we’re in the home stretch, we just need to get through the couple pictures, clap and smile, and I can go grab another double Caesar” and then ANOTHER set of photos of the bride came up.  And the photos were on screen for way too long.  Anything longer than 2-Mississippi and I lose interest.  Come on!  Don’t put your guests through that!

So when the topic of a slideshow came up, Eric and I knew that we didn’t really want a big production number filled with only photos of ourselves.  But then Eric had a great idea that I LOVED:  instead of photos of ourselves, why don’t we have a slideshow running in the background with photos of our guests?  We really do want our wedding day to be about honoring the important people in our lives that have shaped us into who we are and this is a way of doing that instead of making the whole night feel like A Tribute to the Awesome Lives of Eric and Mickaela.  We’re just getting married, not curing cancer.

Verdict:  You had better start taking down any Facebook pics of yourselves that you don’t want shown at my wedding... ;)

 

Getting Cake Smashed In Your Face

Probably one of the first things I told Eric when we were talking about the reception is that I do not appreciate this tradition at all.  The bride spends literally HOURS getting ready.  She has spent so much time selecting the perfect dress, with the perfect accessories, getting the perfect coif, selecting makeup colors and getting her look just right, and then BAM!  All of a sudden she has red velvet and cream cheese rammed up her nose and she has to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes to pick the crumbs out of her eyelashes and try to get the stains out of her dress.  I don’t know where the hell this tradition started but it’s ridiculous.  Is it supposed to be funny?  Cute?  Playful?  Because all I see it as is disrespectful, humiliating, and a waste of money on a perfectly good makeup job.  Need more proof?  How do these photos make you feel:

 

 

Really?

 

 

 

She looks like she has a bloody nose.

 

 

 

Yeah he really looks like he loves that.

 

 

 

Nothing says wedded bliss like an unprovoked act of aggression!

 

 

 

Thank GOD she didn't get any on his Miller Lite hat!  Phewf.

 

Verdict:  NEVER. 

 

Clinking of the Glasses

 

I almost don’t want to get myself started on this one. 

This tradition drives me bonkers at weddings and I’m not even the one that has to kiss.  And you always know it’s coming.  The music plays, the wedding party comes in, the bride and groom are announced, and then right as everyone is sitting down there is some sniggering idiot who resembles Peter Griffin that picks up his knife and taps on his water glass while guffawing with a big toothy smile, juuuuust as the bride and groom are sitting down.  So they oblige to the rudeness, stand up to kiss, and sit back down.  Every time the bride stands up and sits down it’s a production number because her dress is huge and the chair legs are on it and she doesn’t want it to get ripped or spill anything on it.  And every 38 seconds like clockwork it happens again.  And again.  And again.  They can barely shovel some food in their mouth and swallow it before they’re forced to tongue each other down again while everyone claps in amusement.  And because all wedding couples know that there is ZERO chance that there won’t be glass clinking at the reception, they always come up with some other cute little idea designed to deter guests from continuously rudely interrupting their meal to make them kiss like trained circus monkeys.  You have to sing a song with the word “love” in it, you have to donate to charity, you have to putt a hole in one.  I like all these ideas, but I think they detract from what the main alternative should be which is simply, don’t be an asshole guest and clink your glass. 

 

Hahahahahahaha yayyyyyyyyyyy they’re kissing agaaaaaain!  Clink clink clink!

 

So while Eric and I haven’t really decided our alternative yet, because we need one, because we know that again, there is ZERO chance there won’t be glass clinking, my thoughts on this are that the activity a guest should have to do should be as embarrassing as possible, and as complicated as possible.  Something like:  In order to make the bride and groom kiss, you must first ascend to the podium and mimic the mating sounds of a male silverback gorilla.  If your imitation is determined satisfactory by a panel of judges, you will proceed to a dart board where you have one chance to hit the bullseye.  If you do, you will be given an envelope that contains a number from 1 to 10 which corresponds with a numbered rope suspended from the ceiling of the Millennium Centre.  You will climb the rope using only the strength of your arms, and retrieve a bag of puzzle pieces from the top.  You will have one minute to complete the puzzle, and the completed puzzle displays a phrase in Arabic which you must translate to English.  Kneel before the bride and groom and present to them this passphrase, and if you are correct, they will kiss.  If you are incorrect or fail at any point in the challenge, you are banished from the wedding and have to take the next cab home.

Verdict:  Groan. 

 

Something Old, New, Borrowed and Blue

When I think of something old, new, borrowed and blue I usually associate it with a bunch of crap the bride has to carry around with her on her wedding day.  Usually brides get around this by loosely tying things in like “My dress is new!” and “I have blue eyes!” and not worrying too much about it.  So while thinking about whether or not I wanted to do this I googled the origins of this tradition and I was actually pleasantly surprised at the story of why brides carry the four “somethings” with them on their wedding day.  Something old symbolizes the bride’s past and the continuity with her family, something new symbolizes optimism and hope for the bride’s future, something borrowed is supposed to come from a happily married friend or family member and symbolize good fortune carried over to the bride’s marriage, and something blue symbolizes love, fidelity and honor.  This is actually really sweet and definitely a tradition I want to take part in.  For me, I want each of these items to be special and meaningful and I want to honor all the important women in my life.  And I actually already have my something blue!  I saved the blue ribbon off my bridesmaid bouquet when I was MOH for Tara (whose wedding you can read about here) and I’m going to wrap it around my bridal bouquet on my wedding day.  :)

Verdict:  Not all traditions make me want to barf.

 

And now, in the interest of time because I am a very busy bride, I have enlisted a special friend of mine to help me go through some other traditions that I have been questioned about when it comes to the big day.  May I present....

 

Grumpy Cat.

 

So you’re a dance teacher, are you going to have choreographed dances at the wedding?

How about a sand ceremony, those are really sweet!

 

 

 

Unity candle?

 

 

 

 

Rice throwing?

 

 

 

 

Bubble blowing?

 

 

 

 

Is there going to be a four hour break in between your ceremony and reception?

 

 

 

 

How about two hours of speeches?

 

 

 

 

Wow, you’re really grumpy.  I don't want to go to the wedding.

 

 

 

Happy Wedding Wednesday!!!

 

~M